You will hear a lot of things about you from other people in a lifetime. How do you keep walking but at the same time brush the non constructive criticism off? How do you decide what to brush off and what to take in? You have to listen to how you make other people feel right and actually feel it. That's the ingredient to keep yourself humble.

Is being humble part of the feeling of taking other peoples energies in? Yes! How do you learn how to keep being humble but letting go of what's not constructive criticism towards you? Who draws the line here? Who's responsibility is it to continue to treat a situation being humble when you have tirelessly explained and communicated your boundaries and how the other person actions affected you? How can there be som many questions and so many feelings hurt after you let them out? How can I feel so angry about not feeling understood and protected? I've said it before. Did I fool myself believing it was reciprocated? I'm I seeking for accountability here? Yes. But what I should be looking for are actions. Will I ever get it? Or, I rephrase, how many times will I allow myself to ask for it? All I'm saying right now is I know I can't change someone, nor tell someone to take responsibility for their actions. I can only count on myself knowing the limit of times allowed. Who knows this tho? Thats where the manipulation with yourself starts, is when you do not have that numer of allowance set in your soul. Reevaluate yourself.  

However, trying to explain myself so much, the only recipe I have with me right now is that I at least learned how to put words on my emotions. Maybe one step closer getting to know myself even more I hope. 

This process has also taught me to understand that I'm afraid. Made me understand I have commitment issues and most of all, made me understand I need to feel safe and surrounded by team players that will forever protect my soul. If not, I'll run away. In return, I'll protect theirs with my life. Lately I have never felt so lonely. It hurts. Trust me, I have a lot of friends, I do a lot of things. Many people would never think I would ever feel lonely. I do. I feel miss understood a lot of times. I feel easily breakable, too many emotions and I'm desperately trying to find my voice in every situation that brings my emotions over the edge. It's like learning how to speak again. 

I did wrong, many times. I disappointed you as well, many times. At least I heard you. I took accountability for my actions to promise myself to not ever make you feel that way again. What I couldn't promise you was to step over my boundaries of my own and follow your lead when my heart said no. What did you do? Ask me to join you on the "other side of the pond" because we couldn't handle the reality called home? Where were you to protect me when you realized I did not fit into your previous life of friends? What exactly did you do in order to make it feel better for me even tho it was not about you? Where were you when I needed you the most on the most important journey of my life? I'm sorry but I have no answers to that. I never received any from you when I asked you.

Life can be heavy, especially if you try to carry it all at once. Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about catch and release. Knowing what things to keep and what things to release. I do not want to release you! When I caught you I wanted you, deeply. I wanted all of you. I can't carry all things within myself. I have to learn how to decide what is mine to hold and let the rest go. One toxic relationship can outweigh so many wonderful moments. trust me, I'm experiencing it as we speak. I'm suppose to achieve the biggest dream of my life, but you are not by my side. I'm sorry but I have to watch your actions in order to get to pick what my life has time and room for. As far as now, your actions are showing me there is no room. I have to learn to save myself for someone that has genuine intentions. Not telling me "I miss you" because the fun is over and you are lonely. I crave love and affection and deep understanding. I'm at the point in my life where I should not let anyone touch my mind body and soul if they do not understand it or at least want to understand. I should be done having shallow conversations with people. I should tell myself that I will never settle for someone that will make me question my own self worth ever again. However, I did.. with you. Sadly, it happened again and again and again...You were not cautious with your words because you never understood how they affected others to begin with. You were too busy surrounding yourself with your previous life. Coming back to the discussion of being humble, the truth is you never were. Never even tried. One thing I can say tho, is that I'm not afraid to continue on this journey alone. trust me, I've realised I've been doing it since day one. It was just me thinking I had you by myside. I allowed myself to be let down too many times. I came into this not tattooed with that number of allowance from the beginning. I never thought or hoped I had too tho... The truth is, getting distance, made me able to realise your actions did  never match your words one bit. Your hamster wheel keept spinning and I'm seeing it more clear just hearing your words now days.  

Do not ever forget that the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears or the figure that she carries. The beauty of a women is seen in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart. Did you ever see my eyes? Did you ever look into them wanting to get to know them? I'm questioning it because you never saw the pain in my eyes when I felt it, nor told you. Do you understand how hard it was to even tell you, me being someone that never opens up to anyone. You did not protect my soul when I released it to you. 

I have a lot of anger followed with sorrow towards this chapter in my life. I hope anger is the part of me that loves me the most right now. I hope the reason why I have anger is because it knows when I'm being disrespected, neglected and abused emotionally. What I do hope and strive for is that all the anger I now feel, will teach me forgiveness and to accept people moving forward as they are but place them where they belong. I'm suppose to be the boss of my own life. Hire, fire and promote accordingly. I just forgot how to fire along the way. 

I heard from someone the other day that letting go of someone or something is the truest form of love and if it was truly meant to be they will come back to you. In my opinion, it can only continue to serve you as true love if two people come back to each-other with a lesson learned. A relationship is work. It can't be done by one person. It takes two to tango. If one part has not learnt their lesson, it can not mean its meant to be?! Regardless of how much you love it, regardless of how much the person made your life better, calm or safe, you have to learn that the best thing for both part is to let go and just detach if both parts are not willing to surrender from lessons learnt. 

Well, all things come to an end and I realise that this post has become way too long. I guess I had a lot to release today. I'll finish up by leaving you these words. 

You will never be understood. You have dared to seek things that other people have don't. The person who walks alone is likely to find them-self in places that no-one has ever found before. It would be the greatest sin to not achieve the things you are capable of. Continue.