I’m not quite sure where to start. I’m feeling sorry for myself but deep inside my heart is screaming to not give up. Recognising yourself? Trust me, I won’t give up. My inner voice is telling me “You prepared yourself for this” you knew it was not going to be easy. After rain comes sunshine… and all that shit. Sometimes you just want some fucking luck right?! Well I guess it was not my lucky number this time either.

I got my dream apartment, but the dream was taken away. 3 hours after I moved in, I got the notice I need to move out. How is that even possible?! Yes we can twist and turnt it around “it’s better you received the notice the same day rather three days after bla bla bla”. Today I thought my life started but again I will have to jump back on that horse. I’m sad, like really sad. I’m knocked out. Or at least that’s how my brain feels like right now. It’s spinning around like a tumbler. I’m all by my self here and right now I definitely feel it. It feels like the world is working against me and I still haven’t got the memo. Is life all about fighting for what you want? How long will my resilience last until I become like a stone?

The last years events have made me stronger yea, but the receipt of it is that I’m not feeling anything anymore. No emotions nothing. Is that the price you pay when you become stronger? Then I don’t know if that’s what I want to become. I miss the days when I was innocent, not knowing how the world and people around you can knock you out.. I miss when I was curious to the world and didn’t know how pain feels like. I’m talking about real pain. The pain that hits your heart and will forever leave you that scar. I’ve been dreaming about this city I just moved to since the day I left 10 years ago. I’ve been here for two weeks, not feeling an inch of emotions. Totally blank. Like a white paper. Why? …

Today was the first day I got chills, sitting on my balcony I was thinking to call my HOME. That feeling was ripped off my skin in a second. I’m asking myself why? What does the world want me to build strength for? I’m tired… I know I won’t stop… I need to continue.. and trust me I will. I will never stop, that’s just who I AM! but it’s hard to let go of something so precious like something you for a second called home….